


a hand to hold

by jobota



Series: Drabbles [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Changbin is a good friend, Drabble, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Tags Are Hard, seungmin is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-31 23:33:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20248471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jobota/pseuds/jobota
Summary: Seungmin was living a dream so many others harbored and could only hope for. Yet here he was, wishing he was dead while living a phenomenon.





	a hand to hold

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second work in my drabbles series, and it’s quite a bit longer than the first.  
These stories aren’t the best,  
But I hope someone can enjoy them!

Worthless.

That’s the word Seungmin used for himself on a daily basis. 

It’s not like he’s lying, he knows for a fact it’s true. In a band of nine everyone knew at least someone wouldn’t have a place.

Why he was here in the first place? He doesn’t know - maybe to help the dance along or to add another face to the mix?

And while he wasn’t important whatsoever, being an idol was still hard. Extremely hard.  
How much harder is it for every other member in Stray Kids? They have a more important role than he could ever even begin to imagine for himself.

Being a burden and being worthless come hand in hand, after all.  
His parents found it in themselves to instill that into his brain.  
Seungmin knows they weren’t the best parents (an understatement), but so many people had it ten times worse.  
So what, he was degraded some days (read: most days). It’s not like he didn’t deserve it, otherwise it wouldn’t be happening at all.

His school counselor had told him time after time he had a toxic mindset, that his brain was polluted.  
Whatever.

It makes him remember the day he got reported for being suicidal, the day his parents received a very interesting phone call, as they had put it.  
He thought he had done enough to prevent something like that from ever happening. But he couldn’t do anything at that point-  
But just like he always did, he lied.  
Acting like he didn’t do anything wrong, because he didn’t do anything wrong-

Seungmin had to learn eventually, didn’t he?

-

Seungmin has a weird relationship with himself. He held his own hand at all times, he made sure he made it through the day. But when it came down to it, he was his worst critic.  
A bully, he supposed.

Chan tried to notice when each member was feeling down, but he was so exhausted, so it didn’t really disappoint Seungmin. He wouldn’t notice himself either.

So when he locked himself in the bathroom - sitting there dutifully on the cold tile floors while he let the water run from the shower head - and no one knocked to tell him their ‘bi-weekly movie’ was starting, he pretended he didn’t care.  
It only made sense.  
The fans would want him gone soon enough. 

Wasn’t it good while it lasted? It should’ve been, he was living a dream so many others harbored and could only hope for. Yet here he was, wishing he was dead while living a phenomenon.

-

Seungmin had a best friend once. Someone with whom he didn’t exactly have a ton of heart-to-heart conversations with, but the trust was pretty much there from years of knowing each other.

Seungmin thought he could share his feelings or experiences, thought he could have an outlet within this person.  
So he tried. He tried and he got rejected.  
The statement was blatant.  
He was broken beyond repair, too ill for anyone to want to take care of. He needed serious help, apparently.

They pointed out his obvious (read: annoying) symptoms one by one.  
Huh, he was really bad at trying to hide it.

But just like always, they’d turn their heads, not batting an eye at his constant despair.

Seungmin didn’t think it was that bad. Not really. So many experience worse, he’s probably doing it for attention without knowing it.

-

While he kept his ‘secret’ with a sort of fluid ease, he didn’t really realize how easily he could mess up. A single wall being let down could ruin the whole scheme of things.

A single fucking mistake. 

-

He sat in his dorm on the stiff bunk bed, scrolling on his phone to preoccupy his mind, when Changbin strolled in.  
His eyes looked cautious, darting up and down.  
“Yes..?” Changbin stared back, no clear intent shown on his face. He stepped closer to him before basically throwing himself onto his bunk.

“I’m sorry.” He finally spat out a simple two words that had Seungmin’s mind deliriously spinning.  
“You’re sorry? Last time I checked you didn’t do anything wrong…” he laughed almost bitterly.  
“I’m just- worried? Concerned? I don’t know how to put it.” Changbin pauses. “You haven’t been joining the little group things as much lately, and I don’t want to say you’ve been isolating yourself but-“  
“Changbin.”  
“Just listen..! I’ve been there before. Which I guess doesn’t mean anything but. I’m sorry that no one else is noticing. It’s just... are you okay?”

Seungmin has been waiting an eternity for those three words. Are you okay?  
It shouldn’t mean so much, and foremostly, Changbin shouldn’t have to worry about him. But now that he’s finally heard the three insignificant words, he feels his throat tightening. He feels his hands shake and his eyes water.

He wants to laugh. He wants to hug Changbin and never let go. Instead? He cries. The tears spill out of his eyes, being long overdue. 

He can’t see Changbin out of his misty eyes, but he can sense the panic surrounding him.  
Before Seungmin has the chance to even try to stop crying, arms are wrapped around him in silence.  
He, in a flash, clutches onto the back of Changbin’s shirt and cries. Cries hot, fat tears while his breath hitches. The feeling of circles being rubbed into his back make it known that someone cares. Someone cares even though they shouldn’t have to.

It all feels so foreign that Seungmin can’t grasp onto the concept of what must be reciprocated respect and trust. 

He should hate himself for giving in, letting himself be vulnerable. But in the moment he feels cared for, feels like he’s finally allowed to do this and not completely feel resentment towards himself afterwards. 

And that’s pretty nice.

**Author's Note:**

> Your thoughts?  
Feedback is always welcome, and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed the story!


End file.
